Big Brother 5: Let's Psycho-Analyze the Men

I just can't seem to get all that enthused over these guys.  I think this is because I was hoping to find someone in this house who I would enjoy hearing what's on their minds.  Yes, I know you don't have to be a philosophy major to philosophize, but...  well...

We have a wannabe-male-model-volunteer-fireman-country-singer, a recent college grad, a mortician, a security officer, a commercial painter, a sales rep, and a registered nurse.  Their ages: 22, 23, 26, 26, 28, 36, 41.  The three oldest are the token opinionated conservative older male, the male model wannabe, and the mortician (who I think will have the most likeable personality).

The others: The gay guy will always be entertaining.  The studmuffin recent college grad will act like a studmuffin recent college grad.  The sales rep shows promise in the manipulative-overly-cocky-but-can-maybe-pull-it-off-because-he's-good-looking department.  And the dork with the hat and the cartoonish eyebrows from Oklahoma... (I'm just shaking my head and smiling.)

So it's a mildly interesting mix in the TV Entertainment category.  But in the Watching-the-Live-Feeds category, I have a feeling I will cancel my free 14 day RealPlayer Superpass trial before it's over.

Let's meet the guys...

Will Winkle, 26-year-old Registered Nurse from Tupelo, MS.  He states that his "slide under the radar will be the smoothest in BIG BROTHER history," but if he's a bit too flamboyant with his homosexuality, I'm not expecting him to achieve his goal.  However, because at least three of the guys will constantly be drooling over the hotties (i.e. EVERY woman in the house, even the artsy hippie-wannabe alterna-chick), at least two of the women - the married women - will seek refuge in Mr. Winkle.

Mr. Winkle... doesn't that sound like a side character on Barney?

Plus, since most every hot single woman in this world can't seem to NOT have a boyfriend (which would mean NO DATE this weekend), this little homosexual is going to have a lot of female friends.  As a result, he'll likely go far in this elimination parade.

(Side note: If you're a hot single woman without a boyfriend, email me.  I plan to write a column about this phenomenon and I have a few questions for you.)

Mr. Winkle says, "Fear isn't a part of my vocabulary. Make me walk naked through a pit of snakes while eating a raccoon's testicles--JUST SHOW ME THE MONEY!"  This is all wonderful and good, but on Big Brother, how much will this really matter?  The vast majority of the time they're sitting around staring into space talking strategy endlessly.

Mr. Winkle, please break a bunch of the homosexual male stereotypes.  The American public needs to see that gay guys aren't all flaming.

Scott Long, 26-year-old Sales Rep from Pittsburgh.  Scott says that his biggest weakness will be, "Being looked at as a threat based on looks."

And here we have the arrogant asshole.  The only way he'll be able to pull this off is if he's as witty and fun as Will from BB2.  Otherwise, he'll just accumulate enemies, especially those that are not a part of his clique.

I say "his" clique because I see him as a ringleader, someone who will too quickly try to form an alliance of clichés -- either with the guys, with the hippest-hottest-most-arrogant people, or with those he feels are easily-manipulated-but-beautiful idiots.

Seeing the little tuft of facial hair on his chin caused me to think that Scot will be a preener, someone who will spend a lot of time shaving, a lot of time in front of the mirror.

He also comes across like he's going to be one of those people that knows a lot of crap about a lot of crap.  Usually these people are either really interesting or really annoying, depending on if they share at appropriate times or shove it in people's faces (often so as to prove again and again just how brilliant they are).  Because he might be the most intelligent male (the women are in a different league), I'm concerned that he'll grow too cocky too quickly.

And ladies, take note: Scott says that his strengths are, "Open and great heart, funny and easy going, yet strong and in control" and he's "6'4", 210 and very smart."  He's the perfect man!  Just ask him.

Mike Lubinski, 41-year-old Commercial Painter from Eastpoint, MI.  Anyone who lists George W. Bush or Rush Limbaugh as their personal hero is saying this just to get a rise out of people.  He knows how controversial these two are right now.  He probably told the CBS execs that he votes conservatively and then, just to make things interesting, they suggested that he say extreme things in his profile.

The problem with them casting the outspoken conservative older guy is that they hope and plan on him being annoying and controversial and opinionated, but he really ends up being more adult, more polite, in fact.  All the fighting and all the intense arguments they were expecting just don't transpire.

Plus, if he's an INTELLIGENT conservative, people won't really want to challenge his beliefs and debate with him on the important topics.  This is because conservatives USUALLY back their opinions with facts and history while liberals are more inspired by emotion. 

(For example, Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 is replete with outright lies, distorted truths, and things taken out of context. What confuses me is how there are so many intelligent people, people able to think and reason and come to their own conclusions, who are ignoring or just not seeing a lot of the obvious facts regarding the whole 9/11 Afghanistan Iraq scenario.  It's weird.  It's like people have been brainwashed into blind ignorance.  I say this and I am definitely NOT a registered republican.)

As a result, those in the house, to avoid being proven wrong or made to reconsider their lemming beliefs, they'll just stop talking to him about anything of substance.  He'll be the outcast and soon he'll be eliminated.

This will happen UNLESS he can keep his mouth shut and share his ideals with a calm demeanor and ONLY when pushed to share.

Michael Ellis, 23-year-old Security Officer from Durant, OK.  I'm not sure if this guy is a total dork or actually a sort of good-looking guy based on Oklahoma standards.  I know that Arnold and his team try very hard to find people who epitomize certain segments of the population.  Is it possible that they found the perfect representation of a good 'ole boy dork who days "Yee-haw!" when he's excited?

The person who may have the most difficult time with all this Big Brother stuff is his fiancé.  Chances are she's not the hottie like those he'll soon be living with.  So when she hears and reads every word that he says -- and he'll say a lot because that's what good 'ole boys do, they speak without thinking -- she'll hear him say, repeatedly, how freakin' hot so-and-do's body is and so on.  She'll hear him say a lot of duphus crap.  But worst of all, all of her friends and family will hear him say a lot of duphus crap.  Will she be able to look everyone in the face and say, "THAT is my man."

She'll be able to do this if he remains true to himself -- all honest and aw-shucks good-like, you know what I mean.  She'll still love him despite all the can't-help-himself ogling and duphus comments.  But if he's at all conniving and malicious, he may as well start working out the visitation schedule to see his kid.

Michael will be pleasantly ignorant of all the lower-class less-educatied prejudice that many in the house will have.  He may be a little on the crazy-dork side, but sometimes, especially in this house, ignorance is bliss as they say.

Marvin Latimer, 36-year-old Mortician from Conway, SC.  Each year it slowly eaks out that at least a few of the houseguests were recruited into the house.  Because Marvin appeared on The Weakest Link back in 2002, it's likely that Arnold and friends kept his resume on file since they saw what they liked and since Reality TV likes to have at least one black person in the mix.

What's strange about Marvin is that I don't really get anything from his bio or from the articles about him I've read.  But something in this man is just downright appealing.  I want to hear what he has to say.  I want to see how he interacts with everyone.  I want to see if he's as charismatic and likeable as he seems to be in his picture.

He says that he wants to be the chef.  It'll be interesting to see how he works things out with the few other women who's strategy is also to be the chef.  I'm especially curious to see what kind of meals he would prepare while Miss Fitness Twin Fitness World Champion stands over his shoulder watching every carb and every poly-unsaturated fat.

Nowhere in his bio or in the article online does it mention that Marvin has kids.  I asked around and many people feel that if a decent-looking 30-something black man doesn't have a kid, that means he's gay.

Hey, that's what people are saying on the street.  But wouldn't that be fun?  There have never been two gay guys in the house at the same time.  But I so do NOT have gay-dar so I'm probably way off.  If so, it's just a matter of a few days before he suggests to the hotties in the house, "Once you try black..."

Marvin seems to be one of the favorites on the discussion boards.  Only time will tell...

Jase Wirey, 28-year-old Volunteer Firefighter from Decatur, Illinois.  Should you did around on the internet, you won't find much about Jase Wirey.  But you WILL discover a certain really annoying male model named Jase Atwood. 

In the video clip I saw, he pranced and showed his many stomach muscles and his glisteningly-smooth chest and his pearly whites and his oh-so-hip wild hair that he tussled often inthat "Oh aren't I just the cutest!" manner.  He also showed a certain empty-headedness that said, "I know and care about nothing other than being hot-looking, being seen because I'm so hot-looking, and being around babes who are also hot-looking and who like me because I'm so hot-looking."

That's a lot of hot-looking!  But at least we have our priorities straight.

Someone must've give Jase the idea that if a guy is hot-looking (there's that word again) and can kind-of sing, then that means he can front a band.  (This, sadly, is entirely true.  Even moreso given a hot-looking woman.)

Do you know how much a volunteer firefighter makes?  Nothing.  That's why it's called VOLUNTEER.  But he lists this as his OCCUPATION.  Sure, most volunteer fireman would like to move up through the ranks to the point of actually getting paid (and paid well, thankfully).  But I suspect that there are a few who realize that saying they are a fireman will look good in the public eye that they so badly want to be in front of.

Well, Jase's dream has come true.  Millions of people are looking at him.  Will they be looking at him leave the house quite early?

Probably.  Good looks works with a lot of women, but I suspect that with this group, a guy is going to need a lot more than just looks to stick around.

Jase will talk and he'll talk a lot.  And this will only serve to remind us why so many beautiful people were made beautiful -- to LOOK at, but NOT to listen to.

Drew Daniel, 22-year-old Recent College Graduate from Urbana, Ohio.  Right now, in his mind, Drew is invincible.  He just graduated from college.  His whole life is ahead of him.  He's smart.  He's good-looking.  He just got picked out of thousands of people to be a part of the most-watched, the most analyzed group of strangers in America.  He can do no wrong.

And it is this naïve youth that will cause him to not be careful enough with his words and actions, thus causing him to be an early evictee, UNLESS he's pulled into a larger, smarter group.

The older women will think of him like their adorable little brother's friend.  Cute, yes, but still a little young to really know what it's all about.  And this will drive him crazy inside (he won't ever say it, though).  It will drive him crazy that these incredibly hot women can't envision themselves being the slightest bit romantic with him.

Drew's boyish good looks tell me that he's not the slightest bit streetwise, that he hasn't really had to work all that hard, that his life hasn't been all that difficult.  Sure, his parents are probably divorced, so he's had to deal with all that emotional crap, but still, he was probably given a new car on his 16^th birthday and then probably a newer one right before college.

He "plans to use his enemies to his advantage," which tells me that he used a lot of drunken fraternity-party girls for sex.  In order to truly use his enemies to his advantage, that would mean he would have to step down a social and/or beautiful-people level and actually convince people -- people who are probably wiser than him -- that he is their friend and can be trusted.  He must be truly sincere for this to work and I just don't see him being able to pull this off over an extended period of time.

He'll probably be fun to watch, though, ESPECIALLY if his twin is brought into the house and they feed off of each other like I suspect they do very well.

Oh wait a minute.  Here's a thought regarding the twin twist...

What if the second twin is brought in, like many suspect will happen, but instead of them being two independent votes, they'll be forced to vote as one (since that is what they'd probably do anyway).  And if evicted, then they are BOTH evicted.  In other words, the twins will be treated as one entity.

Now THAT would interest me.

It'll never happen.

So anyway, there you go... The Big Brother 5 men.

If you have any comments or any other information, email me and I'll update their information in the article.

And as always...

Thank you for reading my crap!

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And feel free to email your comments and suggestions to my bad self -- rob@letusponder.com.