LetusPonder Column:

Bad Kissing Techniques

- Rob Daugherty

There was a kiss on an MTV video that got me to thinking about all the ways a person can really suck at kissing.  This kiss was the Pretend-to-be-Succumbed-by-Passion-but-Instead-it-Just-Looks-Like-Two-People-Who-Aren’t-Truly-Intimately-Familiar-Pretending-to-be-Passionate-Because-the-Director-Said-to-Act-Passionate-Open-the-Mouth-Too-Wide-and-Lick-Each-Other’s-Drooping-Tongue-First kiss. 

Seeing this caused me to wonder if there are people in the throes of kissing passion who actually kiss in this way.  This, though, caused me to wonder if I’m just totally unhip when it comes to kissing.  And this, in turn, set me off thinking about all the different ways people kiss badly. 

The following is part one of what could very well be THE guide to the surprisingly large assortment of kissing techniques.  In part two, I detail the Ultimate First Kiss.

For now, though, please try to avoid the following...

Bad Kissing Techniques

I'd met this girl.  She was a hottie, but I was too young and stupid to realize and accept that the spark just wasn't there between us.  We were in a secluded place, touching, fondling, and I guess we both sort of just continued with the ritual without really wanting to – mostly because it was just easier to go along than it would be to stop and create this ordeal out of the moment.

We started kissing and almost instantly she was all porno-star-groaning-mouth-open-tongue-everywhere and my first thought was, "WHAT THE HELL...?!  Did someone reach around and flip on her Horny switch?"  30 seconds prior, this woman was doing her nails while I was a'fondling away.  Now, she was near orgasm.

Or so it seemed.

We began kissing and her mouth was open real wide.  I thought, "Ok, she's a wide-mouther!"  and I tried to match my lips to hers.  She, in turn, opened even wider – tongue still going, head bobbing all over.  I didn't know what else to do so I joined in the Stretching-the-Mouth-Open competition.

This is called the Mouth-Stretching-Competition-Get-Lost-in-the-Grand-Canyon kiss (aka the Open-the-Mouth-WAY-Too-Wide kiss).  We were in a mouth-opening contest!  Soon I found my mouth stretching so wide I could no longer feel my face. 

And therein lies the problem.  This often becomes something like a competition for both parties to keep up with the other -- she opens her mouth wide, he tries to meet her lips and opens HIS mouth wide.  She perceives this, but since their lips have stretched so tight there's no sensation of said lips, thus causing her to open even wider in the on-going lip-finding quest.  Soon enough, the two have created a canyon of echoes and small animals lost within.

Unfortunately, the Mouth-Stretching-Competition-Get-Lost-in-the-Grand-Canyon kiss happens even to the most experienced and talented kisser.  If you find yourself in just such a competition...  STOP!  Even if you think the other person wants this.  They don't!  They're doing it just because they think YOU want it.

Coal-Miner kiss
Very much related to the Canyon-Competition Kiss is the Coal-Miner kiss.  This is when someone sticks their tongue VERY DEEP down your throat, so deep that they begin touching places in your mouth you never knew existed.  Remember kids, the tongue is not meant to be a probe.   

The Dentist's-Chair kiss (aka Niagara-Falls kiss)
You know how when you're getting work done on your teeth and no matter how much you try to control yourself, it seems as though your natural drool tendencies kick in full swing.  You turn into a drool machine requiring that suction device or else your face and neck would be taking a really gross drool shower.

Most of the time, thankfully, you are in control of your drool responses.  However, some people are not.  Consider this scenario...

You're loving life.  The kissing has been passionate.  The touching just right.  You started while sitting upright and have gracefully shifted to lying next to each other, touching and caressing.  But then s/he climbs on top -- by your invitation, even -- and you notice something different...

Someone turned on the hose!  FLOOD WATERS HAVE BREACHED THE DAM!  You instinctively reach out to paddle your way to the water's surface.  You get an uncomfortable flashback to sitting in the dentist's chair and you scream out, "Suction!"

Wet-and-Sloppy kiss
A lesser variant of the Niagara-Falls kiss is the Wet-and-Sloppy kiss, which can actually be a good thing depending on the moment.

I was standing to the side at a party, grooving to the beat, watching people, zoning out in my own little world when along comes a girl.  Without notice, she plants a sloppy, wet, full-lips-smoochy-lingering kiss on my surprised lips.  Then she just left!  I stood there stunned.  As I began to realize how remarkable that was to have happen, I felt the breeze cooling my moistened mouth.  I didn't want it to go away.  I relished the coolness of it hoping that it never dries. 

Now THAT was a Wet-and-Sloppy that was a good Wet-and-Sloppy.  (I never saw her again.  I never got the chance to thank her.)

So, wetness and moisture is a natural part of the procedure.  However, it is important to know that if you happen to leave a little bit too much moisture on your partner's lip area, then you must combination suck-it-dry/kiss that area before you begin total lip separation.  In other words, a little minor drool is OK as long as you clean up your mess.

Some people don't understand this, though.  You kiss and although it feels good, each time you separate you find yourself not quite slimy wet, but pretty close.  This is what causes you to, as inconspicuously as possible, wipe your mouth dry.  And you have to do this somehow without letting your partner witness that you've just wiped off their kiss.

I've pretended that a sneeze was coming.  I've faked an itch.  I've playfully lost my balance into the pillow, making sure to turn that pillow to the cool side to avoid laying my head back down in the puddle.

The Wet-and-Sloppy kiss: A little wetness and moisture can be a good thing.  Just make sure to clean up your mess.

Noxious-Fumes kiss
This is a broad category of kissing that includes bad breath, morning breath, ashtray breath, and so on.  Brush your teeth.  Keep some mints handy.  Do SOMETHING to avoid this. 

Similarly, someone described once kissing someone with dry, chapped lips -- lips that were so dry that skin actually flaked off into their mouth.

Ok, now I'm kind of grossed out.

Hardened-What-Happened-to-the-Lips kiss
Remember the movie Planet of the Apes and how they'd kiss each other with those tight monkey lips?  I think I've kissed a monkey woman.  My lips touched something horribly disgustingly hardeningly ick.

This happened to me.  I was like, "What the hell?!"  I went in expecting soft, cushioned lips.  I backed away all confused and full of that ick.  My brain, while still dealing with the lingering hard-lipped ick sensation, went into logical-think-and-reason-and-figure-out-what-the-hell-just-happened mode...

"Wait a minute.  She's in her 30's.  She's an attractive woman with a ballet dancer body.  She was interesting and had no obvious psychotic behavior.  How could she possibly think that whatever the hell she just did could ever be considered a kiss?"  And it wasn't a sudden kiss.  I know I didn't catch her off guard.  In fact, she was the one actually encouraging the event.

While I couldn't bring myself to overcome the ick and try to continue the romantic moment, I couldn't help wondering if there was some sort of communication problem.  I just couldn't fathom this attractive, healthy woman having absolutely no idea as to how to kiss.  So I waited a while, built up my courage, and went in again...

More monkey lips!  It was so bad I wondered if she did it on purpose just to get rid of me.

The whole point of all that was to remind everyone to allow their lips to part just a bit and be SOFT -- soft and sensual.

Continuing with Bad Kissing examples...

The Eyes-Open-Watching-TV kiss.  Guys usually do this while the game's on, but I've heard of women taking a peek at the food boiling over on the stove.

The classic Braces-Get-Locked kiss.  I've heard about this, but I've yet to actually meet someone who this has really happened to or who has actually seen it.  Even if it happens, this probably shouldn't be in the bad kissing category since chances are, good kissing was happening just before.  The good just turned out to have a bad result.

The I'm-Kissing-You-Back-Sort-Of-Only-Because-Your-Damned-Lips-are-Touching-Mine-and-It's-Easier-to-Just-Let-You-Kiss-Me-and-Get-it-Over-With kiss.  There are many reasons why someone would not want to kiss but does it anyway.  Here are just a few...

* End of a bad date obligatory goodnight kiss
* I'm too tired for sex but you're not, obviously
* He thinks I like him but I just want him to leave and not make a scene so I'll kiss him and get it over with

The difference between this kiss and all the others is that with this one, you have little control other than to try and be observant and leave before things get really disgusting.

The Hands-Too-Aggressively-Fondling-Groping-Like-a-Clammy-Octopus-in-Heat kiss.  Sometimes it's nice to be touched while being kissed.  But quite often, guys will kiss ONLY because they think it'll lead to them getting laid.  And so, they kiss -- for about ten seconds -- and then they believe that this somehow turns the woman on uncontrollably to the point that she wants very badly to have various body parts violated by his clammy, inexperienced, groping hands.

Sorry.  It doesn't work this way.

The Spastic-Trained Narcotics-Dog-Finding-a-Truck-of-Cocaine kiss
This is a case of someone trying really hard to pretend they're turned on such that s/he turns into total spaz during the kiss.

This is far too common in the movies since it would seem as though directors equate "head movement" with quality kissing.  This is the Hollywood formula...

Two people meet.  They hit it off.  They may even have a bit of a romance.  But something happens that separates them – they lose the letter or miss the bus or mistakenly think they're related or gay or married or whatever.  Eventually, love overcomes all and they find themselves back in each other's arms; they finally give in to the desire and accept that they've been in love with each other for the entire movie but they just couldn't admit it to themselves (or to the plot-line).  And so they kiss and kiss and because Hollywood directors want us to think that people are spazzes when they're fraught with pent-up emotion and passion, the kissing duo spaz out on each other like a narcotic dog going nuts after finding a crate-load of cocaine.

It's rapid-fire kissing jerking the head all over the place come-up-for-air-dive-back-in-again who-cares-what-the-neighbors-think I've got to kiss your lips and face and neck like I've been stranded in the desert and your head is the source of water but the only way I can get a big drink is if I suck out the water in little spastic kisses all over the place repeatedly.

This is a Hollywood cliché.  You are not a dog with a nose for smuggled narcotics.  Don't be a spaz.  Calm down and enjoy the sensations, dammit.

So, one might ask...

"Now that we know how NOT to kiss, can you please tell me what I'm supposed to already?!"

This leads me to...

Part 2: The Ultimate First Kiss

I'm not going to pretend that I'm all that and I know everything.  In the next part, I simply re-tell all the things that a girl did leaving me with a most splendid memory.

Go read it.  You'll be glad to have met this woman.